I wish you would’ve known.

I wish you would’ve seen.

I wish you would’ve cared. 

I wish you would’ve known the years of pain that you will cause me. The sleepless nights and horrible nightmares. The flashbacks and triggers that bombarder me day and night. The smells, the sights, the touch that bring on a full flashback and leave me feeling everything all over again. I wish you would’ve known how much money I would be spending in therapy because of you. The medications and side effects that I will take. The trauma rehab in which I would need to leave my family and face the fire and pain head on. 

I wish you would’ve seen my inner spark. That pure and untouched flame that everyone is born with. I wish you would’ve seen how it was extinguished when you’ve started crossing your boundaries. I wish you would’ve seen the many times that I tried relighting it, yet my mind, body and soul was in such turmoil, that the flame just blew out. I wish you’ve seen the stark difference in me, from the first time you met me, until the last time we saw each other. I was a young vibrant and budding teenager and when you left me, I lost that positive energy. I lost my innocence and purity. I felt defiled and dirty. I felt used and like a “thing” more than a “being”.

I wish you would’ve cared more to apologize or at the very least admit how you acted. You’re blatant denial and gaslighting, although so typical of a narcissistic coward like you, was so unbearably painful. I literally collapsed to the floor when I got that text from you. I wish you would’ve cared more about me and gotten the help that you needed back then, instead of simply distracting yourself with my mind and body. 

But you didn’t care. You didn’t care back then and you don’t care now. Narcissistic people don’t care. But let me tell you, I do care. I do care to not allow you to control me anymore. I do care to be a healthy and functional human being with the sensitivity that you lack. I care to build my life and be the best possible father and husband, despite what you’ve done to me. Despite all your horrific acts, I will not allow them or allow you to continue robbing me of my dignity and self love. 

So go ahead and continue not caring. Continue being a selfish and sick man. Continue not owning up to your wrongdoings. While you do all that I’ll continue doing what I’m doing and that is to try my complete best to rekindle the spark that you’ve blown out. To light it and keep it lit for myself, my wife and my children.